Throwback blog style

I wanted to share something that I have been thinking about lately and it's something very personal that I wouldn't post any where else.  This picture was taken moments after Colt was born.  I was exhausted, I was angry, I was so incredibly happy, I was relieved, and I was so confused.  After 18 long hours of labor, two of which were pushing.  Colt finally made it!  I look back now and I cry at this beautiful baby staring up at me.  In that moment I was not as happy as I thought I would be.  I loved Colt instantly, but I felt guilt.  Guilt for having another baby, guilt for leaving Liam for so long, and guilt that I didn't feel insane joy in this moment.  Most of the time in the hospital I thought about Liam.  I wanted to get home to Liam.  I wasn't fully consumed in this new baby.   They told me I could stay til Friday morning.  I begged my doctor to let me leave Thursday.  The first few weeks were rough.  Liam loved his brother so much.  Liam didn't understand why I was SO tired.  About a week into it Colt was so so fussy, abnormally fussy.  I took him to the doctor and for the next month we tried so many things.  He was treated for acid reflux, colic, no dairy, no caffeine, swaddling, rocking, sleeping on my chest.  I was spent and felt even more guilt.  I couldn't play with Liam as much as I wanted to.  I wasn't the wife I wanted to be.  My house wasn't as clean as I usually have it.  Guilt.  Fast forward to today.  Colt is 3 months old and while I still sometimes feel guilt I mostly feel that insane joy I was longing to feel in the hospital.  Having two kids is HARD.  But now I feel so grateful Liam has a sibling and so incredibly grateful I have family and friends that have helped me get through the last couple months.  I couldn't imagine our life without precious baby Colt!  He is an amazing baby and his smile literally melts my heart into a puddle.  Every day I am learning how to be a better mom, better wife, better person.  But I am also learning that it is OK to have baskets of unfolded laundry.  It's OK that some days we change from pjs to pjs.  I am so HAPPY with who I am right now and I am even happier we have another beautiful baby boy!

Colts Blessing Day

 This little Love got blessed by his daddy on January 5th 2014.  To follow tradition Colt screamed through the whole thing, just like his brother.  We feel so blessed to have such a supportive family.  It was such a special day for all of us.  I am so lucky to have a worthy husband who holds the priesthood and can give such incredible blessings to our family!

Christmas Day

 Christmas at the Johnson house was definitely more exciting this year than last.  But I still was hoping for a bigger reaction.  Liam has SO many stinking toys and with a recent birthday he really didn't need anything.  We kept it small this year and gave him puzzles, coloring books, trucks, and magnets.  He was excited, but not screaming for joy or anything.

 

Before I could even get a picture, Santa swooped in and drank all the milk...

 He was so eager to play with his toys it was like torture trying to get a picture

 Wakey wakey Joshy

 Presents from Matt and Ave

I got super spoiled this year

Josh and I picked out a new dresser that was supposed to be our christmas

Then, sneaky Josh, told me to go into the garage on Christmas morning where I found this...

I'm in LOVE (with Josh too)

After opening gifts at our house we went to my parents house and opened gifts.

 One second they are looking at me, the next they are trying to eat each others faces

 After we ate breakfast and then talked to Charlie in La.  It was so wonderful and so heart breaking.  we had 50 minutes and they flew by.  I was calm when I got on the phone with him but it was inevitable that I broke down and sobbed to him.  He is doing really good, I imagine next phone call won't be as hard.  We were able to bribe Liam (with ice cream) into talking to uncle Charlie.  He said "Hi Charlie, Merry Christmas!  I miss you chi, I love you Chi!"  I think that made Charlie more emotional than anything else, given Liam wasn't really talking much when he left.  Only one more Christmas to go!

After talking to Charlie we went to the Johnson's for presents, dinner, and a story.  It was chaos with all the kids that we ended up back at home at 4 and in bed at 6.

 I can't remember if this was Christmas day or close to, but I caught Liam pumping...

Christmas Festivities

 We did a lot of Christmasy things this season

Here are a few of them!

(Not pictured is my family party)

Liam and I kicked off the season by making a "candy house" 

Liam was the official icing licker.  Every time I'd put it on he'd swab his finger over it!

 Johnson Family Christmas party with Santa

Temple Square with friends

We didn't set up a tree last year with how stressful it sounded with a toddler.  This year I set it up a bit early but gave Liam his own tree.  I talked to Liam about the difference of Moms tree (just to look at) and Liam's tree (have at it).  Surprisingly he did really well, it was only a couple days before Christmas he ripped a gift open.

 Christmas Eve at Asian Star with the Johnsons